We've had a very stressful few weeks at Abba's House, not that most people would know. Unfortunately, a former employee who we cared for and prayed for, made some decisions that hurt not only herself, but the ministry and the management team personally. For her sake, I will not go into further detail. But I did want to share with you a conversation I had with God this morning that was directly related to this situation and the choices this person decided to make. I received a phone call this morning at about 6:30 am my time. It was not the call I was expecting and not the results of a situation that I was praying for. Instead, it was what appeared to be a victory for the wrong side. And it broke my heart. So as I hung up the phone and sent my amazing manager back into the lion's den alone, I did the only thing I know to do when my heart is sore. I sat in my bed and I imagined sitting with my Lord, letting my heart say the things my mind could not. And there, sitting before God representing our management team that currently feels as if they are surrounded on all side by pressure, fear, and persecution, I asked Him for guidance. Do you know what He said? One simple word: "grace."
I asked God specifically why it felt like other fellow believers seemed to be the ones hurting me lately. Why it was that our own "family" was causing the pain that sat before us today. Quickly, as a good teacher does, He reminded me of the pain I have caused others in my own journey towards healing and maturity. It took only a moment to realize for myself just how much damage I have caused others in my life, also while claiming Christianity and attempting to walk with Him. And I was reminded that I am far from perfect now, most likely still causing pain to other believers. But He didn't remind me of all of this to hurt me or to shame me, which thankfully He calls out of me every time it tries to rear it's ugly head in our relationship. He didn't point these areas of lacking out to embarrass me, but to remind me that we are all just learning. Some of us at very different paces, in very different places, and many are learning very different lessons than I am. His point was simple: none of us is far from needing grace. So while this one individual is making decisions for herself that are causing pain and struggle for my team and the children in our care. That is her choice. That's the gift of free will. We are allowed to use it however we want, even if we are believers. He is not forcing us to make good choices. He is a gentleman. He will not force. But He is there to offer us grace when we realize our mistakes, when we finally understand how we are hurting His people and hurting Him. So while I still don't understand why the things that are happening are happening. I do know one thing - I have a choice to make. Do I ignore the grace He has granted me over and over again and walk in anger towards this individual? Or do I recognize the undeserved second, third, fourth, and more chances He has given me in my life and offer forgiveness to this woman instead? I choose to forgive. And before anyone says otherwise, I do not choose this for her sake, but for mine. She may never know the pain she has caused or the damage she has done. And that doesn't matter to me any more. But by choosing to forgive her anyway, I am setting myself and my team free of her decisions. Free of the anger that would be justified but serve no purpose in this situation. Free of the burden of trying to hold someone else accountable when we have a better Judge than us. And free of the fear that comes from not knowing what comes next in the "battle."
She is not our enemy. She is just a human, like the rest of us, making decisions that she will have to answer for on her own one day. But that is no longer my problem. Forgiveness makes it no longer my problem. He will provide. I hope I always remember how gracious our God has been in my life, and how much He loves all of us, even when we act like the selfish humans we all are. I hope I remember this feeling the next time fear tries to step into our ministry's home. God is the authority in our ministry. He is our righteous judge. So we're choosing to put it in His faithful hands. He will restore what is being stollen and, if she allows Him, He will heal her wounds as well one day. And, what's more, every step of the way, He is there with all of us. That is a beautiful thing! Thank You, Lord God!
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